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This week's Onion...

...reports back from the future. The Horoscopes section is clearly directed at certain science fiction authors:

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You will be thrilled to encounter a science so highly advanced that it is indistinguishable from magic—a science primarily concerned with generating rabbits using common headgear, producing endless amounts of colored handkerchiefs, and sawing women in hal

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Your attempt to build a peaceful, agrarian matriarchy in the former northern-Californian archipelago fails miserably when the thousands of cat-fights breaking out amongst the basket-weaving lodgers are traced back to overexposure to winsome folk music.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You realize that your world is rapidly approaching perfection, ruled as it is by the benevolent power of supermen-scientist atom-masters. Nevertheless, sometimes you can't help but feel that humanity has lost something of its near-divine spark.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You've never encountered a problem that can't be solved by the combined mental and spiritual resources of the enlightened people of the galaxy or by swinging from the doorframe and kicking people in the gut.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Exhausted after fleeing the harsh realities of an increasingly boring life in front of the computer terminal, you will awake to find yourself transported to a colossal cave, where it will seem like you are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Despite your years of earnest effort to create a civilized and compassionate dialogue on the emotional languages of race, love, and desire, most of the universe will still insist on calling you "that one black gay weirdo."

Libra:
(Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You will be unable to shake a deep feeling of unutterable sadness as you roam the world with a scruffy band of misfits at the end of history, performing the occasional execution in your search for your lost mother/lover and a way to rekindle the dying sun

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Even if you do find their unique combination of style, universal competence, ennui, and raw ambition strangely exhilarating, you'd probably be a lot happier if you stopped keeping company with suicidal types, immortals, and suicidal immortal types.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You will be unable to shake the feeling that society at large would be improved by even more chunky, quasi-cubist levitating machinery of mystic origin, as well as the increased use of triple exclamation points by the general populace.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Prepare for major life changes this week, Bester. You will achieve great commercial success, vast literary acclaim, and a premature death while completing your magnum opus, The Bars My Destination: A Guide To All 24 Hours Of Orbital Nightlife.

...and then they ran out of ideas before getting to Aquarius and Pisces.

So who are the targets? My personal guesses:
Aries: not sure [ETA: Of course, it's a riff on Clarke's Law - thanks, liadnan!]
Taurus: Sherri S Tepper? Or Ursula Le Guin? I've read this book but can't remember which it is...
Gemini: One of the great pulp authors - Hubbard? Van Vogt?
Cancer: Star Wars?
Leo: Philip K Dick? [ETA: akicif says it's the original computer adventure game, ADVENT, later seen as Colossal Cave Adventure.]
Virgo: Easy - Samuel R Delany.
Libra:
Even easier - Gene Wolfe
Scorpio: Moorcock's Dancers at the End of Time?
Sagittarius: I don't know this one.
Capricorn: Alfred Bester.

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Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
liadnan
Jun. 22nd, 2005 10:12 am (UTC)
I was about to post this as an edit.. Aries is a gag on Clarkes Law (any sufficiently advanced science is indistinguishable from magic") Taurus sounds more Tepper, but I don't know it. I thought Leo was the Matrix.
nwhyte
Jun. 22nd, 2005 10:17 am (UTC)
I've only seen the first Matrix film, and that several years ago, but surely the twisty little passages weren't in a cave?

Sagittarius must be a comic, now that I think of it, but not sure which.
akicif
Jun. 22nd, 2005 10:20 am (UTC)
No. Leo is the original computer adventure game, ADVENT, later seen as Colossal Cave Adventure, and spinning off Zork....
akicif
Jun. 22nd, 2005 10:36 am (UTC)
"Answers" here: Onion 2056 Horoscopes. It's worth looking at the rest of the site in this style, too (even the language dropdowns).
nwhyte
Jun. 22nd, 2005 10:45 am (UTC)
Crumbs, I think they've got Zelazny completely wrong - which of his characters was ever suicidal?
mylescorcoran
Jun. 22nd, 2005 11:41 am (UTC)
Taurus is surely Always Coming Home by Le Guin.
penngwyn
Jul. 10th, 2005 02:25 pm (UTC)
Assuredly!
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )

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